Business as usual. She died. No one saw it coming and it’s business as usual. And I get it. Of course I do. We work with the most vulnerable of people, most of whom are at the very end of the long race that humanity is running. Many of whom have outlasted all of their loved ones. Our job is walking with those people, hand in hand, to the end. That’s how I see it. We care for them, preserve their dignity, protect their humanity and calm their fears as the sun goes down on the incredible day that has been their life. I tell them in all the ways that I know how that the sunset is always when the light is the most beautiful and that their colors will be forever painted on my heart.
She was here when I ended my last shift and she’s gone when I came in for this shift; gone in an instant. It’s how I would like to go if given a choice; in an instant after a full long life. Still, the shock rattles my mind as I absorb the news. Loss is part of the job and there isn’t always a warning. And I know it’s business as usual because we have others in our care but can we pause?! Can I have a minute to adjust to this reality before I have to hear who didn’t do an adequate job on the hall this weekend or which other resident was disruptive?! Can I have a minute to remember my favorite moments with her before dismissing her death as just part of the gig?!
Can I have a minute before I hear, “Alice, you like an adventure, right? Want to help give a shower to an “impossible” resident”? Can I have a minute before I hear the dread in another person’s voice that a resident living with mental illness is coming back on my hall tomorrow? You say oh God. I say thank God.
I will double my hall checks tonight just to be on the safe side. I will spend extra time with my night owls. I will gladly give that shower to the impossible resident. I will smile at the many times the resident we lost made me laugh. I will appreciate others more and be deeply grateful for my own life. It’s business as usual. That doesn’t mean I ignore loss. It means I use it to enrich me as a caregiver; as a human being. It doesn’t mean I dismiss death. It means I celebrate life.
Assisted living. It brings to mind a calm and safe environment where people who need minimal assistance with the activities of daily living can reside and flourish. It’s hardly work at all. They don’t even have lifts (in theory, anyway) and because of this, the pay is less. A calm oasis, complete with shuffle board…just like in the movie Cocoon, if you will pardon the dated reference. In my experience, the reality could not be farther than that mental image.
The state in which I live has cut so much funding for mental health that there are no longer any long term treatment options available for those living with severe mental health issues. We have a short term behavioral health center that is sort of a catch-all crisis center for a variety of disorders. Three to ten days;just enough time to get a brief taste of stability before they send them on there way until the next crisis. Those of us who bring in support groups from the outside often see the same clients come in and out again and again. Fairly often, people I would see when I was volunteering at the short-term behavioral health center ended up in the assisted living facilities where I worked.
They don’t belong here. It’s not fair to the other residents. How am I supposed to take care of her. She screamed all night long. This isn’t what assisted living is supposed to be. These are the mumbling grumblings I would hear the most. I learned early on that there is no point wasting time in the land of “supposed to be”. That is the dubious luxury of the legislators who make regulations that make no sense for a world they do not understand. Poorly enforced useless regulations at that. A facility will get dinged if a caregiver accidentally wears gloves in the hall but call bells that haven’t functioned correctly in over a year are just fine…but that’s a post for another day. My point is that as a caregiver, one of the first lessons I learned is to divorce myself from all expectations. There are no supposed to be’s.
In my experience, assisted living is sixty percent mental health, twenty percent total care and twenty percent people who need moderate assistance. Or some combination of the three. I’m not a numbers person, but I would say that’s a fairly accurate assessment. On one hall, I have had a resident who was living with the damage of long term substance abuse, another who heard voices, one in the early stages of dementia, one who spoke no English, one who was legally blind and a young man who suffered permanent damage from a catastrophic car accident. Every single case required me to use a different set of skills that I learned from the floor in order to be of maximum assistance with their activities of daily living.
Think about that. Doctors and nurses have specialities; classes and separate skill sets that enable them to work in a focused area of care. For caregivers working in assisted living, our specialty is “handling it” And I love it. It keeps my job endlessly challenging, but it is not everyone’s cup of tea. If you aren’t open minded and able to adapt to the reality of the situation rather than the expectation of what it should be it’s going to be a rough road to hoe.
My question to all who struggle with what assisted living is verses what it should be is what is the alternative? In my state, at least, there isn’t another viable option readily available. Is it ideal? No. But at least my residents living with severe mental illness have a place to live and receive their medications for both physical and mental health as prescribed. At least they have food and companionship. At least they are safe.
Some of my residents living with severe psychological challenges stay in these facilities for years and some go back and forth between the streets, the short term behavior health center, and assisted living places. I have had past residents who have left the facilities where I worked only to turn up years later at the behavioral center where I volunteer.
Last winter one of my residents living with a mental disorder died in the most tragic way imaginable. I hadn’t seen him in awhile. He was so young. Just a kid really. He slipped through every imaginable crack in the system. He left the facility where I was working at the time and later turned up in the group at the behavioral health center. That was the last time I saw him alive. I speak for every caregiver who ever worked with him when I say that there isn’t any length we wouldn’t have gone to in order to prevent his death. It’s just heartbreaking to think about. So while it may not be an ideal option and the training caregivers receive in psychological disorders is sorely lacking, those of us who adapt well to the strange and interesting world of assisted living facilities will be the first to say it certainly beats no option at all.
I get so tired sometimes. I want to shrink from this world that seems to subsist and thrive on anger, panic and fear. Has it always been this way and I’ve just been oblivious to the fever of it or is this some new beast fueled by everyone’s absolute certainty that they are right? The days of context and nuance seem to be gone for the moment and shades of grey no longer exist. Black or white. Right or wrong. Bottom line thinking for an end results world.
I am never very certain about very much. In my experience, that way lies madness. I have certain ethical guidelines and passions that anchor me and I try to keep my mind open to learning from others who have different points of view. Work has been vital for my sanity in this social climate where people seem to be filling some inner need by yelling at one another and coming up with shallow, half-hearted and blame-filled excuses to the deep and complex problems that our society is facing. I guess that’s easier and less satisfying than putting aside anger and wounded egos in order to come together and effectively work toward common solutions. We currently live in a world where everyone wants to be the boss but no one wants to lead.
Those of us who work in Long Term Care are no strangers to the damage such a management style causes. It’s flat out ineffective. The best supervisors are the ones who roll up their sleeves regardless of who is watching. If I only see you when state is in the building, I’m less likely to trust you around those in my care. I have more respect for an LPN who will help me calm a resident who is lashing out in fear than a career administrator with degrees on the wall who’s first solution is Ativan because she’s about to give a tour to a potential new client and wants the hall orderly. That is the difference between a leader and a boss. Because I find my own personal standards of quality care to be much higher than what is expected of us, I have no need for a boss. I learn from leaders, however, and that makes them as invaluable as they are rare.
I decided to step back from Facebook for a little while. Every other status I read is angry. Every article posted has completely different facts cherry picked to enrage or validate you depending on what side of the given position you take. They all agree that everything is the absolute worst. The only difference is who they believe is to blame…and all of that is crap. Cynical, self serving crap wrapped in a bow made of ego.
But, Alice! Aren’t you concerned about the state of affairs?! Of course I am, possibly shocked and appalled reader, but here’s the thing…this is NOWHERE NEAR as bad as it’s been. In my years in this field I’ve cared for people of color who actually lived through the civil rights era. I’ve cared for a Vietnam vet who lost his sight, and a WWII vet who lost his leg. I’ve cared for people who were children during the Great Depression and for people who lived through the Cold War. I’ve had women in my care who lived in a time when it was more socially acceptable to be an abused wife than a divorced woman. Collectively, we survived all of that. As a society, we have faced our worst behaviors and bit by bit we have grown from them; progressed step by painful step forward. I refuse to believe that this…this angry, entitled, backwards thinking reality we are all actively creating is going to stick. I have more faith in us than that.
Individuals are all more than one thing. Are my residents simply their Alzheimer’s disease? Or prostate cancer? Or schizophrenia? Are they not bigger than that? Am I not more than my political affiliation? Is it not beautiful that we are all people who bleed the same? It is a combination of different ideas and individual experiences that gives life it’s richness. When did we decide that we should only surround ourselves with those who look, think, believe and behave exactly like us? How can we possibly come up with and solutions to vastly complex issues without the benefit of diverse ideas and the freedom to dissent without fear?
So I would like to thank every single person who has ever been in my care for teaching me gratitude and perspective. Life is too short to waste on fear and anger over troubles that we create or stir up in our minds before they even occur. I would also like to thank you for living through adversity and sharing your stories so I know what courage looks like. I would like to thank my fellow caregivers who adapt to the reality on the floor rather than the one we are told to expect. We come together to make the most of what is rather than complain about what should be…ok to be fair sometimes we do both but for the most part we are about action. It is a diverse world on the floor, full of people from all walks of life with a variety of skills and reasons for being in this field. Despite what some may think, we cannot all be painted with one brush and for that I am incredibly thankful. This field has honed a strength in me that would not have developed otherwise and directed a passion for purpose toward a path where it would be put to good use. I get tired, but I’m one of the lucky ones. I get these reminders at least five nights a week. I can step back from the combative and fear filled world online and reorient myself to the world in which I live.
I do not understand why anyone would continue in this career if they don’t have a love for what they do. It’s not the money. It certainly isn’t the respect. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard a nurse offhandedly tell a caregiver that being a nurse is hard, that there are so many responsibilities; The unintentional implication being that we don’t know how good we have it. And I don’t doubt that the nursing field has challenges and rewards that I haven’t experienced as a caregiver but unless a nurse has experience as a CNA in a Long Term Care facility, the reverse is true as well.
I have developed a set of ideals, skills and standards that I consider both invaluable to being a quality caregiver and highly overlooked by the system at large. None of these skills include excellent hospital corners or perfectly folded laundry, both skills with which I could use improvement. It’s not that I consider those parts of the job without value; it’s just the least important of the skills we need to provide quality care and often the first noticed when the hall is inspected by supervisors.
“Did you make the bed in room 237?”, demands an imaginary boss I created to express this point.
“No not yet. Agnes is freaking out because she thinks Ida stole her dog and she’s refusing to let anyone but me in her room…let me just…” make-believe me replied.
“Are you kidding me?! The OWNER is on his way and he wants this hall to LOOK perfect. Leave her. She’ll be fine. Go make sure all the beds are made.”
Now, I made that scenario up. I’ve never actually had anyone named Agnes or Ida in my care. But I have had countless experiences with some version of the above situation; enough for me to know that the priorities in these facilities are WAY off the mark.
The residents come first. It is up to us as caregivers to make certain that is not just lip service. And let’s be really honest here, the top of the hierarchy in these facilities view it as a business. The amount of money it costs a month for an apartment here is mind boggling. I work in a really nice place that almost no one could afford. That is the sad truth. I’m not implying that these corporations shouldn’t take in a profit and I’m not saying that the one in which I work isn’t a decent place. What I am saying is that in the ten years I’ve worked in this field, with varying degrees of severity, the issues in each facility have always been the same; have always branched from the same root. Everyone pays attention to playing their own instrument without considering what it takes to create a symphony. So we end up with a cacophony of noise instead of harmonious music.
I’ve learned through the years that I personally understand the value and necessity in what we do better than the state surveyors. The seem to have a very limited scope of what is deemed important. So I don’t limit myself to their standards, many of which seem silly and misplaced and others that do not reach nearly far enough. It’s as if they have one fixed idea of who lives in these facilities and no ability to get to know the vast array of individuals living with a myriad of challenges, both physical and mental. No interest or time to get to know the residents or those of us who care for them. So I don’t flinch when they arrive to dot some “I”s and cross some “T”‘s.
I am in this gig because I SEE people. There has been much I’ve had to learn and skills that I’ve had to improve upon. My ability to see beyond an age or disability to the person beneath is not one of them. For whatever reason, that part of the job is innate for me. I love seeing bravery in action. I love the stories. I love going to sleep knowing I make a tangible difference in the life of others. I love that I’m never bored. I love that there will always be something new to learn. With people, there always is. These are my whys. Because I know them, have defined them for myself no one can devalue my job. I am not confused why I’m in this field and that has made all the difference. It’s prevented frustration from turning to resentment. It’s inspired me to continue to try to improve the system. It’s opened the door to be both teacher and student and has saved me from becoming jaded from burn out. I defined my career. I didn’t allow someone with little knowledge of it to do it for me simply because they had a degree on the wall. So I would like to know your “why’s” readers. Whatever role you play in the long term care system, what motivates you? What keeps you coming back? And how do you think we can work together to fix what’s broken?
I could hear her shuffling down the hall again. She was having a restless night, up every two hours hoping that it was morning. She slept too much during the day and it’s thrown her for a loop. Mentally, she was in that grey in-between place. She is cognizant of the fact that her thoughts are becoming murkier. She is aware that chunks of time slip by unnoticed and she is sharp enough to realize that she is not as sharp as she once was. I can’t imagine anything scarier and yet she handles it with both wit and rueful acceptance. At least I’m not ready for the hole. At least I’m not locked in that cage you call a unit.
Truth be told, I was grateful for the interruption. It was an unusually quiet night and I was on one of the easier halls. At first, I was grateful for the break, having worked several nights straight on memory care. I knocked out the laundry and cleaned the floor’s kitchen. I even threw in first shift’s laundry just to keep busy. I had the time. Soon I had done all there was to do other than hall checks every two hours. In between, I decided to catch up on the news. That was a bad idea. I stumbled into the comments section under the articles. That was an even worse idea.
The whole world is yelling at one another. Honestly, it didn’t matter the topic of the article or what side of the argument the yelling people were on because they all sounded exactly the same. I read the term “butt-hurt” twenty-three times in the comment section. I COUNTED it! Do you know what that means (other than the fact that whatever drive that motivated me to count it in the first place may be somewhat warped)? It means that twenty-three fully functioning adults from both sides of a debate felt that a perfectly appropriate way to express an idea or debate a thought was to call another person butt-hurt. Or snowflake. Or fascist. Or stupid.
Suddenly I was hit with a wave of deep sadness. Because there is nothing I could do about all the anger, the racism, the dumbing down of our society to the point where name calling is the best we have to offer in terms of open discourse. I can’t convince a world of people thriving on panic and smugness that life isn’t anywhere near as terrifying as they think it is and we have faced much more difficult times as a society. Maybe it was the 3:00 AM blues. Maybe I was just tired but it put my head in a dark space.
Suddenly I was thinking about my residents from facilities in which I worked in the past who didn’t make it or were “evicted” when their funding ran out. I was thinking of people I knew who ended up in assisted living as a direct result of untreated addiction issues or undiagnosed mental health struggles. I was thinking of the client I had to walk away from in order to work here. Before I knew it I was entangled with a combination of genuine emotion mixed with misguided self-pity over how powerless I felt to do anything about any of it. When I was a kid playing make believe, I never imagined adulthood to be full of bullies anonymously screaming “butt-hurt” at each other as they angrily debated the presidency of the dude from the Apprentice. It just wasn’t a reality that I envisioned. I certainly didn’t think those in power would cut the funding for the most vulnerable. Would cut the regulations designed to protect them.
All of this was dancing an awful tango in my head when I heard the steady thump thump thump of her cane as she came down the hall. Relieved at the interruption to my traitorous mind, I jumped up to meet her. There she was, decked out in earrings, bangle bracelets glasses on her head and a velour track suit, the top of which she somehow managed to put on inside out and backwards. The laugh escaped me before I could stop it. Her face fell. She thought I was laughing at her.
“The damn top is tricky. It’s hard to get dressed in the dark.”, she said defensively. This. THIS I can do something about. As she continued to try to explain why she had a rough time putting her shirt on the right way, I quietly bent down and rolled up both legs of my scrubs. Her voice trailed off mid-excuse. Her eyes widened and a smile spread across her face as she stared at my ghostly legs. My left leg was clad in a striped knee sock pulled all the way up and covered in smiley faces. My right one had a black and white polka dot ankle sock. Her smile became a chortle that quickly grew into a belly laugh that filled me with joy for what I do and chased away the last of the cobwebs in my mind.
“Now THAT’S a damn shame!” She sputtered between laughs. I was howling right along with her. Whether it was luck or providence or procrastination of my own laundry that had my socks so completely mismatched, I don’t know. I only know that it saved that shift for both of us. It reminded her that she’s not alone and it reminded me that the little things over which I do have power are maybe not so little. You can’t put a price on a genuine laugh, after all. That is something and in that moment it made all the difference.
One of the primary concerns in Claire’s early development is her tendency to rely on arching her back as a means of movement. Like any other infant, she has a natural impulse to move her body, but because of her ACC she is unable to easily perform more complex forms of movement that require coordinating her hips, legs, and arms, such as crawling or sitting up by herself. Her dependence on arching inhibits her gaining the strength, flexibility, and confidence required for these more refined movements. We must condition her not to pop into that backward extension.
One of the key elements in helping Claire overcome her “arch addiction” is posture training. The mantra here is 90-90-90: hips at 90 degrees, knees at 90 degrees, heels at 90 degrees. For this, we have a small arsenal of chairs at our disposal.
The most useful of the bunch is the corner chair:
Not only does the corner chair help Claire maintain the 90-90-90, it also provides support on each side. A tray fits over her lap, allowing her to manipulate and play with objects and enables us to engage with her without the necessity of us physically supporting her. The corner chair is comfortable and secure enough that she can spend up to an hour or more at time in it. Since Claire spends most of her time at home, we keep the corner chair at Hiliary’s house.
At our house we use the Lechy chair. This essentially works the same as the corner chair, but without the side supports. We have to make several modifications to make it work for Claire: we use a book to bring her small body forward in the chair so that her knees are at 90, an empty box for a platform to rest her feet, and a scarf loosely secured around her ankles to help keep her feet at or near the all-important 90. As with the corner chair, there is a tray for activities.
I also use what I simply call the “red chair.” Claire is secured in the red chair by vertical straps and a pommel. The floor serves as a platform for her feet. Unlike the corner chair and Lechy chair, I have to stay within arm’s reach of Claire while she’s in the red chair because she is quite capable of rocking it and there is a real potential for a pretty severe face plant. One advantage of the red chair is that there is zero pressure on her abdomen, so I actually prefer to use it after she eats. This is especially important given Claire’s problem with acid re-flux.
While the chairs serve a critical function, they are only a part of the program. The real strengthening comes from floor play, and from the habits and practices of her caregivers: how we carry her, hold her, and pick her up. I’ll talk about these in upcoming posts.
At some point, Claire will learn to sit up by herself and crawl and eventually walk. But the quality of these accomplishments will depend in large part on how well we can help strengthen and redirect her body now. And since it all works together, this will have a major impact on her cognitive, social and psychological development as well.
I’m sure in the light of day, this facility is charming. I can’t quite remember the impression I had of the building in which I work during my two day orientation, which took place in the bright sunshiney hours. The relief and excitement I felt about the new job opportunity dimmed my keen powers of observation; the same Sherlock Holmes level of visual acuity that prevents me from getting into the wrong car and trying to start it more than twice a week. So I can’t say for certain that in daylight it’s a charming, lovely place. I can only assume. At night, however, there is no more fitting a descriptor than “creeptastic”.
Let’s start with the huge portrait of an incredibly stern looking man above the fireplace. His eyes seem to follow you everywhere and then there are the clown pictures and blood red carpets and creaks in the floor and the overabundance of wind chimes…all of which may add whimsy and class to the joint in the day, but at night? No. It feels like the environment of a stereotypical horror movie that would be panned for being too predictable.
I say this with great affection. It’s exactly the sort of strange and surreal experience that I’ve come to appreciate in my life. It’s anything but ordinary but after this weeks stretch on memory care, I realized that buildings are not the only things haunted at night and there is only so much I can do to chase away another person’s inner demons.
It makes sense, really. When does my mind spin the most, picking apart the day and chasing my own imaginary fears? When is my own anxiety at its peak if I had a rough day? Right before bed. And if I can’t sleep? Forget about it. My mind runs wild. Why would I expect any different from those in my care?
At night in the quiet, dimly lit halls of the memory care unit, my night owls pace. Sometimes they are just confused about the time. That is easy to redirect usually. I explain to them my days get topsy turvey too, we share a chuckle, I tuck them in and off to sleep they go. I can do that all night without losing patience. No, it’s the other situations that get to me.
I call them the “night dreads”. When one of my folks has a rough night, it’s very different than what I experienced when I worked the day shifts. Sure, there was any number of challenging behaviors and there was less time to redirect in the day but it was different. Maybe because there were more people around and the extra stimulation kept them more alert. They seemed less…haunted. Nightmares can be hard to shake off. A vivid enough one can muddy my perspective for awhile but when I’m awake, I’m awake. This is not how it is for my residents. A nightmare will shake them to their core. They don’t always understand the difference between their dreams and waking life. Often they will wander up and down the halls, looking for lost loved ones. Where is my mother? Where is my love?…letting them know they aren’t alone and are safe seems to help. I put them back to bed and sit with them for awhile. Sometimes I sing quietly. I make certain that the bathroom light is on.
More often than not, I will be repeating that throughout the night but each episode seems to be just a little easier. Each time the resident seems a little less scared. Usually, right as the sun is coming up, they are able to rest more deeply. Those nights are the hardest; the ones when I can’t chase away the ghosts for them, I can only put them at bay. They leave me exhausted, sad and a little scared at the idea of anyone having to live through the night dreads and little frustrated that the best I can do is walk with them through it.
Thankfully, tonight was free of that. Tonight there was mostly laughter. I have a resident who without fail leaves his room wearing the oddest combinations of clothing: long johns with a back brace and a red ladies hat with a purple flower (no telling where he picked that one up) was today’s fashion choice.
“Is is time for coffee?” I managed to keep a straight face for five seconds when I saw his get up.
“No, buddy. It’s 3:00 in the morning.”
“Ok. I’m going back to bed then. Don’t forget me in the morning!”, he called over his shoulder.
“Never, my friend.”, I assured him. You know what? Today, I’m going to make a conscious effort to see how this place looks in the sun. Most things are clearer in the light of day.
In all my years in this field I have never had a person in my care who did not respond better when approached consistently with kindness. Never, not one single time. My most resistant residents have been more willing to be an active participant in their own care when they didn’t feel invisible. My most confused residents had less anxiety clouding their minds when I have been able to coax a laugh from them. Kindness doesn’t cost a thing. It takes no more time to be kind than it does to be resentful and impatient and it takes far less energy.
“You’re going to spoil them”.
“Now they’re going to expect that from everyone.”
“Don’t get that one going. She’ll talk your ear off if you let her”…To which I politely smile and go about doing my job exactly as I see fit. Treating my folks the way I’d want to be treated is not “spoiling” them. It’s being good at my job. I give my best effort regardless of what it causes other people to expect. Quite frankly, I don’t care if that raises the bar or not. My work ethic does not include doing less for those in my care so they don’t expect it from other workers. And I don’t mind having my ear talked off. Why should my night owls feel lonely? If they want to talk and I’m not in the middle of a task, I have no problem listening.
The idea that the people in our care are tasks to be minimized and tackled begrudgingly has to be changed. Not every caregiver treats the job with such apathy; not even most, but there are more than enough that do. Rightly or wrongly, the majority of hard working and dedicated caregivers are stigmatized by the behavior of those who are not right for this field.
We are the frontline of Long Term Care. We are the faces most seen. When something goes wrong, we are the easiest to blame. People see the bad behavior of the caregiver and not the broken system that spawned it.
There is grace, value and purpose in this field. We are needed and trusted by those in our care. There is something sacred about that. If the system has beaten you down to the point of resenting those in your care and basic human kindness is too much to ask, then maybe it’s time to consider another field. As workers we don’t like to feel disposable or invisible so why would we treat our residents as little more than a burden? We can do better. We HAVE to do better…any lasting change that matters will begin with those of us who work the floors. We are the closest to the residents and we have a deeper understanding of the world through their eyes. All improvement begins from within, though, and before we change the system we have to change our attitude toward those who live within it.
In my last post I talked about the value of good work partners. For a caregiver employed in LTC, working with a good crew can make even the most difficult situations tolerable. A healthy and happy work environment isn’t really sustainable without making some effort to maintain a positive working relationship with your fellow caregivers.
In this job, you really do have to take care of the people around you. This includes an awareness of your coworkers’ needs and circumstances. Yes, we are there for the residents, but when we neglect or mistreat our work mates, we are poisoning our own work environment and this will inevitably impact the people who live there. I’ve known some aides that had some great qualities as caregivers, but couldn’t keep their mouths shut when it came to what they perceived as the inadequacies of other workers. Rather than simply dismiss fellow caregivers as unworthy of the work, how much more effective it would have been had they offered their assistance without judgement when they saw a need and perhaps through their actions provide a better example of how to approach the job.
In my current daily routine with Claire, I am blessed with a great work partner: my 4 ½ year-old granddaughter, Aubrey. From a caregiver’s perspective, Aubrey would be considered a part of my “case load.” Indeed, she does demand considerable time and attention – and she can be quite a distraction for Claire. But she also assists me in ways both big and small. In fact, when it comes to Claire’s care and training, she can do some things much better that I can.
Like my old work partner Russ at the Veterans’ Home, Aubrey is very familiar with our care routines and habits, and she knows when to jump in and help. Most of the time, she’ll do this without direction from me. If I’m involved in some task away from Claire and she gets fussy, Aubrey is right there to give her sister a pacifier or entertain her with a toy until I’m able to focus on Claire again.
Whenever I’m engaged in an activity with Claire, I always make sure that Aubrey has the opportunity to participate if she chooses. Just as Russ and I complemented each other with our differing approaches to our residents, Aubrey adds a quality to the activity that I am unable to provide. Claire simply has more fun and stays engaged longer if Aubrey joins us.
Of course, I often have to redirect to keep both girls on task, but I try to do this by example and not through verbal correction. Sometimes the structure of the activity breaks down entirely, overwhelmed by sisterly chaos and mirth. That’s okay, at that point, we just move on to something else.
When Aubrey chooses to occupy herself in parallel play, she can still be extremely helpful. In our effort to correct Claire’s dominant tendency to arch her back as a means of mobility, we do a lot of floor work in which we try to keep her focus forward. Sometimes this is simply a matter of sitting her on the floor, placing her favorite toys in front of her, and having her reach for them. If Aubrey is playing nearby, I always try to orient Claire toward her sister with the toys in between. To Claire, Aubrey is the most fascinating thing in the world and she’s more motivated to sustain her forward focus when her sister is in front of her.
Like any work partnership, this is a two-way street. One of Aubrey’s favorite activities is taking care of her babies. When I’m busy with Claire, Aubrey is busy with her “group.” This consists of one or usually several “Baby Alive” dolls, most of which are capable of some bodily function.
Aubrey takes her care activities very seriously and I am obligated to pay proper respect to her efforts and assist her when necessary. Sometimes this means I have to stop what I’m doing with Claire to help Aubrey put some article of clothing on one of the dolls or take a turn feeding one of them or perhaps help search for some microscopic toy part of critical importance. Other times, it can mean turning off the music and tip-toeing around the house, because it’s nap time for her babies.
Here, I was rightfully chastised for taking a photo that happened to show in the background her changing her baby (“You DON”T do that!). I duly apologized for the indiscretion:
Clearly, it would be a mistake for me to dismiss Aubrey’s play concerns as frivolous. If I want her cooperation with what I do with Claire, then she should be able to depend on me to do the same for her group – whatever that may consist of from day to day. That is what good work partners do.
There is something else going on here. Aubrey will often use her babies to imitate my activities with Claire. She’s learning by watching and doing, developing skills that will serve her for a lifetime. In a very real sense, I’m training her as much as I’m training Claire. And while Aubrey does not yet grasp the meaning of Claire’s ACC, she is already learning some valuable lessons on how to treat it. As both girls grow, Aubrey will have more influence on her sister’s development than any of us.
In a couple months, I will be losing my valued work partner. Having recently graduated from preschool, Aubrey will be attending full-day kindergarten this fall. While this will leave me more time to work with Claire, I’m really going to miss my little work partner.
“I’ve had it! Second shift ALWAYS does this and now they want to put an extra shower on OUR shift. I’m going to the office.”
“It’s not like anything will come of it…”
“They left the bed pad in the drier AGAIN!…”
“Don’t do first shifts laundry, Alice. They’ll come to expect it…”
Sigh. Here we go again. It seems that regardless of the facility, the shift, or the home in which I work there is one constant and faulty idea that drives people: a problem can be solved by bitching at it and blaming others.
When I first started in this field, I simply tried to avoid those conversations. It’s difficult but not impossible to do. I would change the topic or find something else to do. A few years into this career, I was hit by the superhero bug. Somehow, not getting drawn into the toxic drama was not enough. I would FIX it! I felt comfortable with my co-workers and got along with all of them. It was only reasonable to impart upon them my worldly wisdom. Being “the Great Reformer”, I was surprised that my long winded and preachy speeches on the value of open communication and a sense of community were met with eye rolls rather than inspired applause and immediate action. What was WRONG with people?!
It turns out that I was asking myself the wrong questions. While blame and finger pointing never solved a problem, neither did dismissing the frustration and very real emotions that those involved in the situation may be feeling. A problem can’t be solved without acknowledging it either. So I started listening without offering solutions. I let go of what my co-workers were doing and began focusing on what I was doing. If I had an issue with a co-worker, I addressed it privately with that co-worker. If I have extra time and there is another shifts laundry to be done, I do it quietly. I know what it’s like to work first shift and any help is welcome. I make myself available to those who may need an extra set of hands when I am able. I make certain that I am consistently trust worthy. I don’t engage in gossip just to feel like a part of the group. I don’t seek approval. In other words, with varying degrees of success, I work according to my own standards. I put my money where my mouth is and let my feet do the talking. And it’s worked!
People work differently with me. They stopped bringing gossip around without my having to ask. If I need an extra set of hands, someone shows up. They know by my actions that I wouldn’t take advantage of them and that if needed, I’ll be right there with them too. The other shifts are friendly and grateful. They listen to shift report and I take my time rather than rush through it. There is a synergistic energy that stems from mutual trust.
Once I freed myself from the cage of minding other people’s business, I was better able to focus and improve upon my own. That is the simple and quiet path to actually making an impact on the world around you. Change is inspired by consistent and sometimes humbling steps forward. It isn’t about what you know and how loudly you know it. It’s about what you DO and how consistently you DO it. It’s a valuable lesson I learned from working the floor that I hope to apply off the clock. Society as a whole could use it right now.