A Bad Case of the “Feels”

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Alice

Sometimes I have to dig deep within to find the strength to carry on. I don’t get to give up. It’s a luxury that as a caregiver…as a PERSON, I simply can not afford. It’s really a mixed blessing.
On the one hand, I have my days that I WANT to just fall apart. The tough days, when my personal life is in chaos and my client’s husband is feeling a strong need to express his political views loudly and my client is in pain that no medication can touch…those days bring a feeling of powerlessness that makes it hard for me to breathe. I feel trapped by circumstance and very very small. Emotions that I do not have the time to deal with begin to distort my perception. Those are the lonely days. The grey days that make me want to curl up into a ball of self pity and resent the world for not bending itself to my personal whims and preferences.
On the other hand, I am blessed to work with a demographic of the population who’s very existence is an education in courage. They are the definition of perseverance. My love for these people has defined and honed who I am on a deeply fundamental level. How can I feel anything but grateful when so much of my life is engaged with people who overcome obstacles and live through challenges that I can only imagine? I have a daily reminder not to mistake convenience for necessity.
I used to just brush my emotions aside. Once I got through the tough shifts and started to feel better, I didn’t see the need to think about it. It’s easy for me to focus on what I love about this gig and my own life. I would minimize my negative feelings. I’m known as “Little Miss Sunshine” for God sake! I don’t get to be sad or angry or frustrated or hurt. Those emotions are for mere mortals!
The truth of the matter is that never works. Ignoring a fact does not mean the fact does not exist. And I’ve learned slowly, through much experience that my feelings are no less valid than anyone else’s and that I matter too. If I find myself feeling like I don’t, it’s time to reflect on the reasoning behind it and make some changes.
I depend on the people who depend on me. That leads to one of two roads; co-dependency or growth. Today I choose the latter. In order to grow from others, I have to be honest with myself. I have to acknowledge my emotions, good or bad, see them for what they are and then let them go.

One thought on “A Bad Case of the “Feels”

  1. donna

    “…the population who’s very existence is an education in courage.” When one has eyes to see this, yes they are. And, “I depend on the people who depend on me.” Great insights, lots to think about. Thank you, Alice.

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