Selling lemons and changing briefs

Sunflower May

 

This is crazy.

It’s one of those times when nothing I do works. This woman is not going to let me change her brief.
I’ve already left the room and come back three times: the re-approach technique isn’t working. She may not remember who she is or where she is, but when it comes to how many times I’ve been in her room…good Lord, but this woman has a fantastic memory!
I place her hand on the opposite bed-rail and try to roll her over again.
“No! No! No!” she screams, letting go of the bed-rail and pushing against me with all of her frail but frightened might. “Oh, stop, please stop! Mother!”
And now she’s crying again.
My feet hurt. My head hurts. It’s been a long day: this shift just will not end and this woman just will not be changed.
“Please, Mrs. E,” I beg her again, “just roll to the right–just a little bit! One roll. One roll, that’s all I need! I can get this brief out from underneath of you and put the new one in just one roll. And, um, maybe the sheets too. Possibly. Please?”
Mrs. E just buries her face in her hands and cries harder. There’s a certain smell when a brief has been left on too long, when it is soaked beyond capacity to absorb anymore: I catch that scent now, wafting up at me every time she moves. There’s a brown ring on the pad too, further evidence of her refusal to let anybody change her all shift.
I’ve stood here for fifteen minutes, alternately pleading, begging, reasoning, ordering and bribing: nothing is working. She’s not my resident. I could just walk away, tell my newbie coworker that “Yep, she’s refusing care all right, can’t do anything with her”.
Or I could go get help and we could change her in spite of her refusals. This is one of the blurry lines between right to refuse and being mentally incompetent.
I groan and lean against the bed rail. I’m too tired for ethical quandaries right now. I’ve been working for fifteen hours now and I’m dead tired. I swear I can feel my patience wearing thin, like the belt in a car about to snap and bring the whole engine to a crashing halt. In this case, my ability to be a caregiver is what’s in danger…I want to scream, cry, run away and make this woman let me take care of her.
Instead of doing any of those wonderfully tempting things, I move the bed-rail closest to me and, taking care to land on the clean sheets, collapse beside her on the bed.
It feels good to sit down, to not be on my feet. I feel like all my bones have turned to liquid within me and all my muscles have turned to jello.
Mrs. E jumps slightly and hiccups, my sudden movement startling her out of her tears. I stare back at her, blinking away my own tears. The silence holds for a long, long moment.
“You see this thing,” she says suddenly, catching ahold of the call-light and swing it around in a lazy little arc that brings it close to my face. “I told my father, I said, I don’t know what you want me to do with this…thing. It’s just stupid, is all and I said, well, I said I’m not doing it. And he said, well, what am I supposed to do with it? What am I supposed to do with thing, huh? What’s it for?” She holds it out for me.
On a sudden inspiration, I lean forward. “Hello?” I say into it, pitching my voice as though it were being filtered through a microphone.
For the space of three heartbeats, Mrs. E just stares at me. Then she throws her back and laughs, great big chuckles that shake the whole bed. “You’re a nut!” she gasps out, shaking her head.
“That’s me,” I agree, “the biggest nut you’ve ever seen. A cracked nut, too.”
“A cracked nut,” she repeats. “You’re silly.” But she’s smiling now and not crying.
“I am so silly that I want to get this pad out from underneath you,” I continue. “Do you think you could roll for me so I can get it out?”
“No,” she says firmly. “I’m not doing that.”
Damn.
“Why?”
“Because I’m not. My father said, now he said, we’ve got to sell these lemons and I said, now who wants to buy lemons? That’s just stupid. But he, he wanted to sell them and I thought, he’s nuts. He’s crazy.”
“He sounds crazy,” I say, wondering how the hell we got to selling lemons. “Hey, how many lemons do we have to sell?”
“Lots and lots.”
“Tell you what, I think I can sell your lemons for you–there’s a baker who wants to trade me lemons for cookies…she’s, um, making lemon meringue pie or something. But I need your help with something, ok? My wallet fell under your sheets and I need to get it out or my father is going to be very upset with me.”
“We can’t have that,” Mrs. E says, shaking her head in solidarity with me over unreasonable fathers who expect us to sell lemons and not lose wallets in other people’s sheets. Then, without warning, she grips the bed-rail tightly in her left hand, braces her right hand on my thigh and lifts her bottom off the bed.
There are times to provide meticulous peri-care and times to hurry it the hell up. This most certainly falls into the latter category. Her bottom is hardly in the air for twenty seconds, but I somehow manage to whisk out the old brief and pad and replace them with a clean set. It’s hardly the best brief placement I’ve ever done, but at least it’s not saturated with six hours of urine.
“Did you say cookies?” Mrs. E asks as her bottom thumps back on the bed.
“Sure did,” I smile at her, “but first, can you give me a hug?”
“Oh, honey,” she laughs, but she rolls towards me and crushes me against her. “You’re so silly,” she tells me.
“Guilty as charged,” I gasp, using my free hand to wiggle the brief into a better position.

It’s serious work we do, as CNAs, but sometimes serious just doesn’t get the job done.
We cannot always bring our confused residents back into what we call the “real world” so must be willing to lay aside our pride and look silly for a good cause. I have often found that a person’s sense of humor is the very last thing to go.

2 thoughts on “Selling lemons and changing briefs

  1. donna

    “Selling lemons and changing briefs…” and showing extraordinary creativity in the midst of it all. I hope all that those who think aides don’t deserve more than $12/hour are paying attention. Bravo and Thanks for the lesson, May.

    Reply

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